Heartache & Hope

It has been 5 months since I last kissed my sweet boys.  Five months since I last felt the weight of their arms wrapped around my neck.  I miss their sweet little giggles, their tiny fingers intertwined with mine, their flying hugs – I miss EVERYTHING about being around them. I have missed multiple holidays, birthdays and countless opportunities to just be their mama during these last 151 days.  My heart aches for them every single day.

I was doing pretty good up until we hit the 4 month mark.  Since then, I have been morphing into a total hot mess.  Some days it’s all I can do to just make it out of work and to my car before the tears fall.  Most of my evenings are spent pleading with God to get me back to my boys.  In my weakness I am tempted to be angry with God.  Thankfully I have been reminded that God loves them more than I ever could.  While that is hard to imagine, I know it to be true.  And I know He has His loving arms wrapped around my boys. They are His after all.  There is peace in knowing that, but it doesn’t alleviate the sting of the separation. 

While I don’t understand why getting back to them is taking so long, I do know that God is using this wait to mold me into the mother I need to be for these boys.  I have faith in His plans for our family.  God grants me new mercies and new strength every day so I can get through this.  I know that every night when my head hits my pillow I am one day closer to being reunited with my sweet boys.

We have had some good news recently.  Just last Thursday we had to complete a new Power of Attorney form.  It finally feels like things are moving forward again.  I have asked some of my adoptive mommy friends that have gone before me about their timelines.  It seems that the average is 2-4 weeks between the POA form and receiving travel dates.   So, I am hopeful that we will hear something soon.

Thank you all so much for your continued prayers and support.  We appreciate you all so much!

Psalm 71:14  As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. 

Getting to Know Our Littles

In the last blog I talked a lot about our trip and interactions with the boys, but not much about their personalities.  So, I thought I would share with you what Wally & I have learned about the boys so far.

They are both so adorable – I mean seriously adorable.  Their big eyes and happy little smiles absolutely melt this mama’s heart!  They are both 100% BOY!!!  They are full of energy and are constantly on the move!  They love rough housing and climbing on daddy like he is a jungle gym.  In fact, they are like 2 little monkeys and like to climb on everything! They love cars, soccer balls, games, being tickled and playing at the park.  Getting them off of the swings was no easy task! We brought bubbles with us, and those were the biggest hit!  Every day we had to play with bubbles!  They also LOVED seeing pictures and videos of themselves. They are so silly and enjoyed hamming it up for us and the cameras!  They love making funny faces at us, and love it even more when we make them back!  Their big laughs and tiny giggles are the best – I would do anything to hear those sweet little laughs again.  The best thing ever is that they are both really affectionate (after they warm up to you) – I got way more hugs and cuddles than I was expecting on our first trip.  I can’t wait for all of those hugs and cuddles again!

Little K is pretty laid back and so smart.  He can already count to 20 in English.  He knows some English words, and always asked us how to say things in English. Before coloring in his activity book, we had to go through each page and tell him what everything was in English. I don’t think he will have any problems catching on to English quickly.  He is very inquisitive and wants to know how things work and why.   He loves mazes, puzzles, games, crafting/coloring, and taking pictures.  We have hundreds of pictures courtesy of Little K!  Most of them are blurry and aren’t really of anything, but he did get us a couple of good ones of Little A!  He also liked to “do” mama’s hair.  If you ever see my out and about and my hair looks questionable, just go with it!  He is quite the little helper too – he was always stepping in to help his little brother and the other little kids too.  He loves to snuggle and hates good-byes just as much as his mama does.

Little A is such a tiny little thing but has a HUGE personality.  He is very animated and has the best facial expressions!  He is a bit sassy too!  I think Little A is the child my mother always wished I would have.  You know…those moments when you were doing something questionable and your mom said “I hope you have a child just like you”!  He loves coloring and he really loves stickers.  He likes to stick them on you and then try to put them back a bit later. I have learned with this little one around I will always have something on my shirt.  Whether it be stickers, snot or food, to Little A, my shirt is fair game!  He also loves sneaking up on you and surprising you and he loves being surprised too!  As I mentioned before, both boys love cars, but Little A really, really loves cars!  We gave him a car on the 1st day, and that thing did not leave his side!  He loves to sit across from you, have your feet touch and push the car back and forth.  He is very particular and likes to have things organized in a certain way!  I wonder if that trait will last once he is home?!?!

Don’t’ they just sound like a boatload of love and fun?!?!  They totally are!  I cannot wait for our friends and family to fall in love with these 2 just as we have.  We aren’t leaving tomorrow, but we are getting closer!

 Quick Status Update:

·         What’s Happened:

o   Wednesday, January 14th – received notification that our paperwork was on it’s way to our agency form Poland

o   Thursday, January 22nd – received notification that our agency received the paperwork

o   Thursday, January 29th – we received our paperwork

o   Saturday, January 31st – sent paperwork (overnight of course) to USCIS

·         What’s Next:

o   Wait for approval from USCIS (we are praying we get this before the end of February)

o   Wait for Poland to assign us a court date & travel dates

o   Go get our boys & bring them HOME!

  1 John 4:19 - We love because he first loved us.

The Highest High and the Lowest Low - Our First Trip

Wally and I were able to take our 1^st trip to meet our boys in late November.  I don’t know what a 1^st trip is supposed to be like, but I can’t imagine it going any better.  It was so awesome and Wally and I are so in love with these little boys!  They are definitely meant to be a part of our family.

On Monday, November 17^th we left Warsaw and made a long drive to meet an adoption government official and the social worker.  After a brief meeting with them, we were on the road again making a 90 minute drive to get to the orphanage.  The boys knew that there were visitors coming, so when we arrived there was a whole group of them waiting to greet us in the entry way.  We got to spend a little time with them and then sat down for a chat with their caregivers.  We learned a lot more about their situation prior to coming to the orphanage and all of the progress they have made since.  Our boys are truly loved there and we are so very grateful for all of the wonderful people who have helped our boys since their arrival.  After that we had to meet the director of the orphanage, and then we were able to come back and play with our boys for a few hours.  They were pretty shy at first, but they warmed up pretty quickly once we started playing.

On Tuesday, November 18^th we arrived back at the orphanage at 10am.  The boys excitedly ran to the door to greet us – we knew it would be a great day.  We were only supposed to stay for a couple of hours in the morning and then come back for a couple of hours in the evening.  We got so lucky and got to leave at 4pm and spend the entire day with our boys.  We had tons of play time and were able to share lunch with them.  The weather cooperated and we even got to take them outside to the playground for a while.  Some of my favorite memories of this trip were made at that playground.  Their little personalities really started shining through as the day progressed.  When we went to leave sweet little Mr. K kept holding my arm and asking me not to go…this practice continued the rest of the week. 

Wednesday, November 19^th was a super special day.  We arrived at 9am and our sweet boys were anxiously awaiting our arrival.  We were able to sit down with the boys, their caregiver and their psychiatrist and present them with photo books we had prepared for them.  It included pictures of Wally & I, the dogs, our house, and we added polaroid pictures we had taken of us with them.  When we presented them with the books, they were told that we were going to be mommy and daddy.  The boys were so excited.  I don’t know that little Mr. A fully understands it, but little Mr. K absolutely gets it.  We got an atlas out later that day so we could show them where Poland is and where Wisconsin is.  Little Mr. K immediately asked when he gets to ride an airplane to go there!  As his psychiatrist told us, he is so ready for his new family! We spent a lot of time playing with the boys and really getting to know them.  We were asked to stay late this day and put them to bed.  No arguments here – we were able to stay until 8pm and enjoyed every minute we were able to spend with them.

Thursday, November 20^th was honestly the toughest day I have ever had.  I am not exaggerating – it was truly heartbreaking.  I knew the good-byes were coming, so the morning started with tears. When we arrived at 9am we were greeted with flying hugs (the best kind) and we had some time to play with the boys before we sat down for a final chat with their caregiver.  She answered more of our questions and shared her thoughts with us.  She told us that she had prayed for a family for our boys for a long time and that she was so happy how quickly we connected with the boys and how quickly the connected with us.  Needless to say we were all in tears…the good kind though!  Shortly after she had prepared a lovely lunch of traditional Polish food – pierogis!!  She had arranged it so it was just us with the boys so we could have alone time before leaving.  After that, we had a few more minutes of playtime and then the good-byes begun.  I did pretty good keeping it together.  We had lots of hugs and kisses and they even called us mama and tata.  The caregiver did an excellent job telling what was going on.  However, sweet little Mr. K saw no need for us to go get things ready – he was ready to come home now.  He ran to the door and put his little stocking hat on and was quite adamant that he would just leave now.  That is when this mama could no longer keep it together and the tears came.  Walking out that door and looking back was more than I could take – in that moment, my heart broke into a million pieces.  I pretty much sobbed the rest of the day and kept trying to figure out how I was going to make it through the coming months.

I loved these boys when we first started this adoption journey; I loved them more when we received their referral, and now that love is indescribable!  It’s like there has always been a secret compartment of my heart that I never knew about, but was always reserved for them – my heart is so full!  I thought that it might take a little longer to love them this way, but it came so quickly and I know it will only grow!  My heart remains in Poland with my 2 boys.  Nothing feels the same anymore – it always feels like something is missing.  When we walked into our home after getting back, it was the 1^st time it ever felt empty.

We ask that you pray that the paperwork moves quickly and we are able to get back to our boys very soon!

“Every minute feels like an hour, every hour feels like a day, every day feels like forever, but I will wait for you forever and a day.”